Tuesday, June 5, 2012

On poop

So, I'm going to make a new post every day starting today in order to celebrate the guest post that I was asked to contribute at Dadcentric this Friday. Here's today's:

My wife is always telling me to use the proper terms for things. For instance, she hates it when I say something like, "Fiddlesticks! Addison just kicked me in the nuts!" She'll glare at me and whisper, "That sounds so gross, don't call them that. They're testicles." Okay. Though now I kind of want to call them "fiddlesticks." So, which sounds worse? Poop, or defecation? The "proper" term sounds a little like "desecration," to me (which I suppose it could be, in some circumstances). Or like something that would require you to go to the hospital. There's also "defenestration," which is very different, but still not recommended, especially in Prague. And they all sort of point to "castration," which makes me a little uncomfortable as well. Honestly, I'm inclined to stick with "poop."

Anyway, let me just state that I do wash my hands after changing Addison's poopy diaper (good that I only included this after the break, right?). Most of the time. A lot of it, anyway. Ha, just kidding, I always do. Now you're wondering, but whatever. It's all natural and organic, right? But really, I do wash my hands. But if I was ever stuck out in the middle of nowhere, like on a mountain or something, and a clepto squirrel had just stolen all the wipes, Addison and I would be okay, you know? There's always pine cones, and tree bark, and flat rocks . . .

My feelings about bodily waste have mellowed out a little bit in the years since Addison was born, though I know it doesn't work that way for everyone. I was present at a get-together when the other dad saw his toddler wander over and touch the rim of the toilet, and he screamed to his wife, "Get her! GET HER! She touched it . . . ," incomprehensible blubbering, ". . . oh Lord, she touched it." I looked at my wife and raised my eyebrows. The other dad had to sit down while he tried not to hyperventilate. I had the urge to pat him on the back and say, "It's gonna be okay, dude, it's gonna be okay." Everyone deals with stuff in different ways, I guess, and it's tough if you're not the one who usually has diaper duty. It's like he'd never seen a blow-out or anything. There's worse things than the rim of a toilet.

When Lindsay first suggested we try cloth diapering, I told her that I draw the line at putting my hands in the toilet. So then she explained the sprayer that we could use for cleaning, and how I'd probably only ever get a little poop on me, and I'd never have to plunge my precious hands into the yawning maw of the porcelain monster. And after a while, I ended up taking over the diaper washing to use as leverage for the day I unveil my home theater plans (it'll be epic).

So, three cheers for "just a little poop." And apologies to the masses who prefer not to talk about poop all the time. It's just a big part of my life right now.

Addison in one of her first cloth diapers:

10 comments:

  1. The problem with babies, or our baby, is that she will start pooping and is guaranteed not to finish until after she gets a new diaper. So she gets us twice--once in the nose and once in the wallet.
    Good thing they are so cute

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    1. We had that problem too. Though now she's more often constipated. Our day is organized by amounts of prune juice.

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    2. Have you tried Elimination Communication? Basically, put your baby over an appropriate receptacle (toilet, or chamber pot or potty) during her stint.

      http://solo-adventure.blogspot.com/search/label/elimination%20communication

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    3. My wife is more the expert on the research, I usually just employ methods she recommends. But, generally, we're taking a pretty laid-back approach to potty training. She pees on the potty like a champ, but has only pooped once or twice while sitting on the potty. Part of the problem, I think, is that since she's notoriously constipated, she doesn't like to sit on the potty when it's so uncomfortable to get out. It's a work in progress. And we talk about it a lot over here.

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    4. Yessir, I very much sympathise. I'm waiting for Crappy Pictures to do a constipation scenario. Or perhaps it is too painful to share.

      It explains why my kid keeps saying "nuh" to sitting on the potty for the first hard bit.

      I hear that squatting (done in Asia) is more conducive for elimination than the Western-style throne.

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    5. I've worked a lot to get my daughter to squat when she's straining, but she won't have it. Probably 'cause it puts more pressure on. Instead, she stands with her legs locked and buns squeezed together, and it's definitely sad to watch her, and she won't tolerate any kind of assistance. Luckily, with the prune juice, the worst sessions have faded away.

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  2. Did you just tell the internet about our nuts/testicles conversations? I'm pretty sure that goes in the category of "privileged marital conversations." And home theater system? You better get a more lucrative job than writing about space pirates!

    And the fact that you have ME wondering if you wash your hands after diaper changes may be a really bad thing...

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    1. I don't recall reading any sub-clauses in the pre-nup about nuts/testicles conversations. I'll have my attorney talk to your attorney. But I'm pretty sure it's allowed since I agreed to have a baby with you.

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  3. I am totally laid back about poop, mostly. I did freak out when one of my kids attempted to eat his poop once (at least it wasn't someone else's?). And having to clean up explosive diarrhea, twice, was not cool. I was ready to throw out the entire bathroom and buy a new one, but instead I cleaned it all up. Not before I took some pictures to show my husband what he missed out on though :P

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    1. Poop is not nearly as intense around here as it was in the first year or two . . . but I get made fun of all the time for taking inordinate interest in my kid's waste.

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